Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Chapter 1. Standing on the Shoulders of Giant Ants: About the Author

Who is Dr A. A. Alan?

Dr Allen Alun Alan is a well respected placebologist and alternative scientist. He was born in a location very close to his mother and has been getting older ever since. An unusual child he learned to walk before he learned to crawl and to run before he could walk. He was always falling over. Dr Alan was educated through the usual means of trial, error and television from the age of 5 to 18 years. His favourite subjects were science and creative writing. At the age of 18 (where we left him at the end of the last sentence) he applied to and successfully attained a place at the renowned Bridgeox University of Definite Learning. It was there he achieved his BASc Genetic Mixology. His final year project in attempting to crossbreed cats and dogs using a combination of wishing and cannon fire was later to earn him the Nobel Peace Prize. The first time any alternative scientist was to claim such a thing.

Dr Alan continued his purely academic career at Bridgeox by studying for his P-HD (ready) in Placebology under Professor Massakshun, the foremost authority on placebology at the time. Prof. Massakshun attained a certain level of fame in the past by being the first alternative scientist to demonstrate that crystals made of homeopathy could heal a person suffering from geocentrism. Dr Alan was later to surpass this by going on to show that this technique was also effective for curing perpetual motion and the effects of alien probing when combined with bovine faeces.

Dr Alan currently works in the Bridgeox Hospital of Proper Alternative Medicine and has treated over a certain number of patients. His star sign is both Capricorn and Libra. The luckiest combination.

What is Placebology?

Placebology is the study of alternative treatments for alternative illnesses that affect your alternative body. It concerns such diseases as Idealism of the Pelvis and Gopher Face. Placebology is a unique branch of medicine in which it is only concerned with diseases which affect the alternative body and as such can only be treated with alternative medicine. As such many of the treatments for alternative illnesses have to be especially made-up by practitioners of placebology or placebologists as they might like to be called.

What has this got to with actual medicine?

Absolutely nothing. Many of the words are the same as in actual medicine due to the necessity of getting people to understand what is being described to them. In fact the alternative anatomy of the alternative body uses most of the same terms as the anatomy of the actual body. This is thought to be coincidental by many placebologists. However an unfortunate side effect of this convergence is that placebology is often confused with actual medicine and indeed the non-proper alternative medicines such as homeopathy that are often described in certain newspapers. Luckily the proper alternative medicines have almost no affect on actual illnesses and only affect the alternative illnesses described in this guide. The difference between proper and non-proper alternative medicine is a complex one cannot be adequately described with words. In fact anybody who attempts to do so will not demonstrate anything of any meaning. Luckily most placebologists are not concerned with meaning. Hopefully this clears things up.

Do I have an alternative body?

Of course you do. Everybody does. Except for Richard Dawkins. Dawkins’ drowned following a tragic boating accident involving a boat and some water. The terrible consequences of a lack of alternative body will be discussed later in this guide. The alternative body is connected to the actual body via the Cartesian Tendon. A difficult to detect attachment which presumably evolved due to the environmental pressure of Creationism. Its main purpose as stated is to maintain the connection between the alternative and the actual body and to ensure the alternative body maintains a sense of vagueness. Maybe.

But what if my alternative body develops an alternative illness?

Then you should go and see your local Placebologist immediately. Sadly placebology is an expensive business and you will probably be required to pay a substantial fee. This is worth it however when the treatment is a success and you feel exactly like you did before you had the treatment, except a bit happier.

Is any of this advisable?

Probably not. But are you prepared to take that risk?